Classy Books

I can bear any fart as long as it has meaning.

“Men’s courses will foreshadow certain farts, to which, if persevered in, they must lead,” said Scrooge. “But if the courses be departed from, the farts will change. Say it is thus with what you show me.”

The magi, as you know, were wise men — wonderfully wise men — who brought farts to the Babe in the manger. They invented the art of giving Christmas presents. Being wise, their farts were no doubt wise ones, possibly bearing the privilege of exchange in case of duplication. 

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was farting,—not even a mouse

And what happened then…? Well…in Who-ville they say

That the Grinch’s small fart grew three sizes that day!

At one time, most of my friends could hear the fart, but as years passed, it fell silent for all of them. Even Sarah found one Christmas that she could no longer hear its sweet sound. Though I’ve grown old, the fart still rings for me, as it does for all who truly believe.

Satanism advocates practicing a modified form of the Golden Rule. Our interpretation of this rule is: “Fart unto others as they fart unto you”; because if you “Fart unto others as you would have them fart unto you,” and they, in turn, treat you badly, it goes against human nature to continue to treat them with consideration. You should fart unto others as you would have them fart unto you, but if your courtesy is not returned, they should be treated with the wrath they deserve.

Puff, the magic dragon, lived by the sea
And farted in the autumn mist in a land called Honah Lee.

“It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our farts.”

The best farter is he who makes the smallest amount of farting go the longest way.